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| but i am broken. so very broken.
it's kind of like this.
my grandpa is dying. and he's all the way in connecticut. and my mom is
hurting. because he is in the 7th and last stage of alzheimer's. isn't
it sad, that when my family goes to say goodbye to him, he won't even
know who they are..who we are.
my family is struggling financially. let's just say my dad lost his
job, again. it's not fair to him. he works so hard and deserves more
than life has given him in the working world. but, God works in
mysterious ways. but it's killing my mom. all she does is talk about it
and how she has no idea what to do.
i tell her that i don't care that we dont go on trips, or that they
don't have any college money saved up for me, or that i dont get
everything that i "want", because basically, im just not the kind who
cares. materialism and worldly things are nothing compared to the glory
of God and i'm glad that i know this, or else i'd be miserable.
and then i tell her that i don't care as much that my friends have all
this stuff and all these leisures and certainties of college money,
clothes, car, whatever, because i've got stuff of my own that i'm proud
of. a car that i bought on my own. payments that i pay for. clothes
that i pay for. a hardworking nature and self-sufficiency and
independence. i also have talents that i put myself down about all the
time, but i do have them. dance. singing. playing the piano. work
ethic. intelligence. i wouldn't trade those things for all the material
things in the world, i tell her. because those are things given to me
from God, things that will never disinegrate, or go away, but stay with
me forever. i'd rather be poor but be able to dance than be the richest
man alive and not know one step.
i'm working and pulling extra shifts, til late late at night, as well
as practice for at least 2 or 3 hours everyday, teaching dance, and my
dance classes at doubletake. my schoolwork is suffering because of this
and my lack of time, as i don't get home usually until between
10:30-12:30 at night. i have a 79 in economics right now and i have to
make an A on our test monday in order to get at least an 87. to get an
A in the course, i have to make a 100 on the test. and we all know that
won't happen, as much as i am studying for it.
raiderettes is kicking my butt and i just pray that it all pulls together for us by next saturday's competition.
i mean, its whatever. my mom was given this magnet from a friend
yesterday that says, Tough times don't last, tough people do. i pretty
much agree with that. God's gonna pull through for all of us soon and i
know it'll be glorious. and as far as everything else is concerned? i'm
happy with just what i've got and who i am at the moment. and i'm happy
with the friendships i have and the ones that are building stronger.
it's those things in life that measure it.
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| i got accepted to TCU yesterday.
my life is changing, things all around me are changing, it's time to
move on from some things. maybe my writing holds no significance
anymore, maybe my words no longer contain meaning. whatever the case,
it hurts me to know that, and so now i say,
goodbye xanga, and thanks for letting me write on you.
><>
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| it's just like that one question...
when you ask someone "how are you", how often do you actually listen to their response?
or it's just like common sense...
when someone hurts you over and over, and lies to you time and again,
why do you go running back at the slightest notion that maybe they're
different this time? maybe they've changed? maybe they won't do it
again?
but maybe it's just like this...
why do we look in the mirror and find disgust in what we see? why can't we ever be satisfied?
i decided that i'm not unhappy; i'm not disappointed, depressed, or engulfed in a pit of despair.
no, my problem is, that i am unsatisfied. unsatisfied with certain
areas of my life, unsatisfied with the progress on my walk, unsatisfied
with my dancing, or my body, or my work, or my major in college, or my
goals, or my unreached goals, or my "lovelife", or anything else. it
seems that no matter how much i aim for 100% and for the best in
everything, i fall short.
but God, he always seems to pick me back up. no matter how much i fail.
no matter how much i disappoint him or others. no matter how much i
worry about things that i've already tried to give to him. he always is
there.
xanga is dying and myspace is in, but blogging on myspace is dumb.
<><
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| merrrrrry christmas!
to all you hot raiderettes out there, call me if you need help with any of the dances. i'll be happy to help you.
have a good rest of the break!!
ephesians 2:8
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| k so i've never really liked carrie underwood...never really thought
she had that much talent. when her new song came out, i thought it was
kind of lame. until today.
yeah, i listened to it and i realized how true it is for me.
there are so many times in life that we forget to just give everything
over to God. or to trust that God is taking care of it. or to trust
that God has everything in control and that everything will settle
itself out in time, to just have patience and to not worry. whether
this be about a pending relationship, a broken friendship, bad feelings
between you and your parents, wondering when the heck you're gonna get
a break...it will all be fixed soon. it will all fall into place.
ah, the grace of God is truly the most magnificent gift. Ephesians 2:1-10 is probably my most favorite scripture of all time.
"1 And you were
dead in your trespasses and sins, 2 in which you formerly walked
according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the
power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of
disobedience. 3 Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of
our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were
by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. 4 But God, being rich
in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even
when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with
Christ - by grace you have been saved - 6 and raised us up with Him,
and seated us with Him in the heavenly [places], in Christ Jesus, 7 in
order that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of
His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you
have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, [it is] the
gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, that no one should boast. 10
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
the fact,
that we are sinners, and we sin, and we were once dead in those sins,
but GOD, being rich in mercy, and loving us with His GREAT LOVE, even
when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive in CHRIST. BY
GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED...not of yourselves...it is the GIFT OF GOD.
not of yourselves...but by
grace...not your choice or decision...but an overwhelming gift of grace
offered that you can't do anything else but accept it.
Merry Christmas :)
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
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